Enthusiastic Consent and how "yes means yes" can replace "no means no"

I have seen a lot of news stories on consent in the past few week, and in light of the Take Back the Night march that took place here Thursday, I thought I should post about this issue now. And I should start with a trigger warning for discussion around consent and sexual assault.

The most recent news story about consent was with regards to a really terrible incident that happened in British Columbia last week. It is all over the news here, but for readers who haven't heard, a 16 year old girl was drugged and then raped by several boys and men at a party, and pictures of the incident have been spreading online, beginning on facebook. That isn't even the part that has me most outraged. The part that really makes me angry is the very public response to the photos online and even on the news. She is being called names like "whore" and "slut." Some are saying that she asked for it, or that she is exaggerating- it wasn't really rape. Some commenters have even made jokes about it, including "Cmon, whose not down for a gang bang." Someone went so far as to suggest that she is making up the rape accusation because she regrets having slept with all of these people. I can't even begin to imagine what this girl is going through right now (ok, maybe I can begin to imagine), but I am shocked at this response. Having a glass of champagne that happens to be laced with a drug of some sort does not mean that you are consenting to having sex. It also does not mean that you are asking for it. And just because women are often cautioned not to accept drinks from men does not mean that she should have known better. This is NOT her fault.

But I have some ideas about why it is happening. I can think of two reasons, one being the relative anonymity provided by the internet... I'm sure most of these commenters do not know her and do not expect to be identified, and many are just expanding on previous comments. But the more important reason- the reason we can do something about- is the fact that we live in a culture where violence against women is accepted and even celebrated.

Just look at this T-shirt (posted on socimages)

See, non-consensual sex is fine! As long as she doesn't actually have the ability to say no, right?

Here is another example, this time from the show Big Brother. The contestant who ended up coming in second place told a story about a game he likes to play. This game involves a man having his friends come into the room when he is having sex with a woman and forcibly restraining her for 8 seconds so everyone in the room can see her. When Enzo (the contestant who came in third place) asked if that was rape, Lane laughed it off. Even Britney, the only woman remaining in the competition at the time, after saying that she would kill herself if it happened to her, got involved in the description of the game and was joking around about it. As far as I am concerned, if he has done this, he should be in prison.

And there was another incident over the summer that keeps coming back to me as absolutely inexcusable. A young woman was dancing at a Girls Gone Wild party. The cameraman asked her to expose her breasts, and she refused. Another woman came up behind her and pulled down the first woman's shirt with the cameras rolling so that her breasts were captured on tape. When she found out that the incident made it onto one of the movies she decided to sue. Despite the fact that they have her on camera refusing to show her breasts, a jury decided that merely being at the party was a form of consent, and that she did not have the right to keep her shirt on in front of the cameras! Good girls don't go to these parties, and if you do, then I guess you are "asking for it."

There are so many other examples that it is absolutely ridiculous, but I'm not going to describe any more of them here because I believe I have made my point.

I have written at length about sexual harassment as well as the regulation of female bodies in previous posts, and I think this topic just adds to that discussion because it is all based on the same basic premise that women's bodies exist for men... and we need to make it clear that this is not acceptable. I think that the best way to help change this is with the notion of enthusiastic consent. Enthusiastic consent goes far beyond "No means No" and is often described as "Yes Means Yes." Having sex with someone who is not fully capable of consenting is rape. Having sex with someone who you reasonably believe would rather not be having sex at that moment is not following the standard of enthusiastic consent and should therefore be seen as rape as well.

The main difference between these two standards of consent is with regards to responsibility. In the first standard (no means no), the victim is responsible for making it clear that they are not consenting. If they do not yell, kick, fight, and scream, it can be hard to get a conviction. And it is often the case that victims of rape do not realize that what happened to them was in fact rape because they feel they did not make it clear enough that they did not want to participate or that they did something to mislead their rapist into thinking that they might have been "asking for it." If we switch to the standard of enthusiastically consenting, it then becomes the responsibility of both partners to ensure that the other is affirmatively expressing desire to engage in each act that takes place. This can get tricky from a legal perspective, but there is a great post here specifically pertaining to how this can work as a legal standard.

I'm not sure that it will stop every rape from occuring, but I do believe that enthusiastic consent would make victim blaming a thing of the past. I think that if it were adopted as the dominant standard of consent, the previously mentioned examples of rape culture would be different (if they even happened at all). The T-shirt would not be funny, the "8-second game" would end in an arrest and Girls Gone Wild would have lost the lawsuit. And if pictures existed of a girl being raped, they would be turned over to police, not posted on facebook and joked about.

It would also make sex seem less dangerous in many ways. The focus could be on pleasure and communication instead of sexuality being something that is feared and commodified at the same time. Maybe this is still too ideal of a way of thinking... maybe we are too far from that point to make the change right away, but if we start talking to our kids about enthusiastic or affirmative consent (which I plan to write about very soon), then we can hope that it is not that far off for the next generation... but I'm not sure they will get there if they are constantly being exposed to the various other aspects of rape culture.

Victim blaming and the Mel Gibson tapes

I am writing this post under the assumption that most of you reading this have heard of the recent Mel Gibson rants. For those of you who haven't, there is information about it here and here, and it is basically him verbally accosting his ex-girlfriend, including threatening to kill her and crazy amounts of profanities and racist and sexist language that I prefer not to hear.

Anyway, I was watching Access Hollywood (rather, it was on in the background as I was working), and I heard this quote from a viewer about Oksana (his ex):

She set him up, egged him on, pushed his buttons, worked him into a tirade and recorded that to be put out there... for money... granted, no woman deserves domestic violence... but come on...

This is victim blaming. Although there have been accusations that Oksana was trying to get money from Mel Gibson (I'm not sure if they are substantiated), would that make any of this ok? Speaking to a human being in this way is NEVER acceptable.

And saying that "no woman deserves domestic violence, BUT" is the same as saying but she did. It's like when someone says "I'm not racist, but" you just know the next comment is going to be incredibly racist... and that's not ok. If you have to use that "but" you should probably think twice before making the comment in the first place. And it is eerily similar to questioning a woman's behavior and dress if she is raped. There is NO excuse, it is NOT ok, and commenters need to stop justifying his behavior.... including Whoopi on The View

In a previous relationship, I have heard most of the same threats that are uttered on this tape. I spent 2 and a half years living in terror. I couldn't tell you how many times he told me that it was my fault. I was blamed for everything in the relationship... if only I was a better housekeeper, a better mother, a better support for him... if I were better, he would quit using, drinking, and I wouldn't get hit or yelled at (even though it still happened when he was clean and sober). It seems rediculous now that I blamed myself for the abuse, but it is extremely real for so many people in this situation. The last thing that Oksana needs right now is more fingers pointing at her, she needs privacy (good luck with that one) and support (somewhat more plausible).


And, on a sidenote, the same episode reported that 50% of people would still go to a Mel Gibson movie... that figure might end up being substantially higher in a few months or a few years. I hope not, but pop culture does not always have much memory. I don't think I will ever be able to look at him the same way again, or watch his movies....

Blaming the victim in a local news story

In a small town in Northern Ontario, there was a sexual assault that has "left a town in shock" (because sexual assault is so rare). A teenage boy went for a walk with a friend and sexually assaulted her.

The news story led with a resident who said "If it's true, I'm disgusted"

If it's true? Really? Is that how we want to talk about these things? I am so annoyed right now. Every time I hear something implying that a rape victim could be lying about what happened to them, I worry that more rapes will go unreported. False reports are extremely rare, more often the victim recants because of the court systems or allegations are just not prosecuted because of the he-said she-said thing.

Then, the news story went on to talk about underage drinking and warned girls to use the buddy system. More implicit victim blaming. Even if she didn't lie about it, she should have stayed sober and should never have left the house with a boy- even one that she knew. In all seriousness, as far as she knew she was using the "buddy system."

If a news story is presented on a similar topic, programs need to make sure that they are not blaming or shaming the victim. She has been through enough.

Assault Prevention Without Regulating Women

Too often we heard about how women should regulate their behavior in order to protect themselves from being raped or otherwise victimized. I'm sure most women reading this have heard about those tips since they were young; don't go anywhere alone, don't drink, etc. This leads to blaming the victim for putting themselves in a position where they could get hurt. I just found a different list here that I hope exposes how absurd the regulations that are imposed on women actually are.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don't put drugs in people's drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON'T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don't pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don't communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don't forget: you can't have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.